(I apologize in advance if this offends some people – this is a comedy bit I wrote back in high school in 1999)
If it’s one thing I can’t stand at all, it’s those stupid TV shows. You know which ones I’m talking about. It’s those shows with epioode titles like “My boyfriend slept with my best friend.” These are the same shows which have scripts that go something like this, “You bitch!! You (beep) ing bitch!! You (beep) ing slut!! You slept with my (beep) ing Boyfriend, you (beep) ing whore!!”(Punches and kicks air)You stupid bitch!!” (pause) What really surprised me is the ratings of these stupid shows. These shows have higher ratings than NBC’s ER and the WB’s Dawson’s Creek or 7th Heaven. The most popular one of these stupid shows (they cal1 them Daytime talk shows) is Jerry Springer. To me, in my opinion, That guys a damn nut case. He’s a damn pervert!! Like I mean, who in the world ever heard of subjects like “My tits are bigger than yours!” “My son is a gay faggot” “My Husband cheated on me” (pause) yeah? So? What’s your point? My Wife (beep) ing cheated on me!! I am not making this up, these subjects are actually shown on the TV screen. That show’s so damn popular they put it on tape uncensored and they put it in the new-release section of the movie stores. Where it belongs is the adult section. The movies a damn porno! I should go do a show like that. “Today on the Mike Irvan Show we got whores who don’t know who there husbands are!”
Another type of show I can’t stand is those wrestling shows. To me it looks like gay men grabbing each other. I was reading this book about Michael Jackson, and I was thinking “Good Lord!! This guy’s a sick pervert pedophile!!” In this book it talks about Michael Jackson, a 40 year old man, grabbing a 12 year old boy’s balls!! Michael Jackson would be a perfect wrestler. Since every “Perfect” wrestler has a nick name, Michael Jackson’s would be “Bad Big Bubba.” Like I mean, who wants to watch a show with guys grabbing each other? I was surprised when I saw a survey of sports most watched. I was thinking maybe football. The one with the most votes on this survey was wrestling. I was like, “Good Lord!!” I think the worst wrestler On TV is that guy who loves to flip off the camera, and his boss, and the photographer. Those of you who watch NWO Wrestling know who I’m talking about (pause) “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. This guy also makes fun of the bible. He takes one of the best versus in the bible and changes it into his own. He took John 3:16, and transformed it into “Austin 3:16”. This guy’s a real nutcase. What I really don’t understand is why do they call wrestling a sport? It’s not a sport. They go by a silly script that is written something like this: “Stone Cold grabs Bad Big Bubba, Bad Big Bubba goes ‘woohoo, I’m bad’, bad big bubba grabs Stone Cold by the balls, flips him over, and Bad Big Bubba wins. End of Round one”.
Another type of show I can’t stand is soap operas. Those daytime talk shows remind me a lot like those stupid soaps. Only difference is is that there are no subject titles, and no audience in the soaps. Whoever heard of a show that showed nothing but a dimmed lit room in a house with a man and his wife’s best friend in there saying, “You know, we oughtta quit this. one day we’re gonna get caught.” Of course, they always end that scene with the Man’s wife coming in the room going, “Oh my god!! Honey, I want a divorce, you stupid bastard!!” You know what true story I think should become a soap? The Bill Clinton Scandal. And in the credits it would say, “Based on the book by Kenneth Starr which was based on a true story.” I could see it now, Hillary Clinton walks in on Bill and Monica and goes, “Honey!! You didn’t!! What would the people think!!” Bill Clinton would be like, “You Bitch!! I’m sick of your bitchy attitude!!”