“Awaken” by Natalie Grant

I have been going through some very difficult times lately, and have been reaching out more towards God lately because of it.  A couple weeks ago I was driving to walmart at night and listening to a contemporary Christian station.  “Awaken” by Natalie Grant came on.  I never heard the song before, nor have I ever heard of Natalie Grant.  But the song touched me deeply.  It explains how I have been feeling.

“Awaken” by Natalie Grant

Sometimes I feel like I’m just existing
I’m not really living
I’m only watching the time slip away
I’ve forgotten who I am in you
I’m not who I’m meant to be
I’m drifting farther away from my destiny

[Chorus:]
Awaken my heart, awaken my soul
Awaken your power and take control
Awaken the passion to live for you, lord
Awaken me

My soul is longing, my heart is searching
I’m desperate for you to move
Give me a hunger, pull me closer
I’m crying out to you

Awaken my heart, awaken my soul
Awaken your power and take control
Awaken the passion to live for you, lord
Open my eyes so I can see your presence
Dwelling inside

Wake me up, cause I can’t live another minute
if I’m not shining your light

Awaken my heart, awaken my soul
Awaken the passion in me

Lord, awaken me to live my destiny
Lord, awaken me and shine your light through me
Lord, awaken me to live my destiny
Lord, awaken me and shine your light through me

What’s this life for?

I have often wondered and thought to myself: What is this life for?  I have been searching for 33 years – and I’m 33.  Seeking God for proper guidance, etc. and nothing I find.

When I was in my 20s, I lived alone and worked for walmart and got drunk on my nights off.  When I left that job, I stayed home about 90% of my time never going anywhere accept maybe on the weekends.  I met my ex-wife whom I was with for 4 years, but that marriage eventually failed.  I than meet my current wife who I have been with the past 4 years, but it’s been a rocky relationship since day one – even though we have some good days, and we are now currently separated.  I am now staying at my brother’s house until who knows when.

I do have hobbies and interests, and most of them include creativity – which is why I have this blog and why I’m signed up for several social networks to begin with: to promote my creativity in hopes that the right person sees it and gives my life new meaning.  I don’t feel like I have any other skills or talents, and feel this is my only outlet to show the creative world what I know that I can do!

I feel that God has called me to be a very creative person, even though I’m really not all that creative but I try hard to be.  However the right person who can help me make a living at this hasn’t come along yet, and I feel stuck in this world.  other than the creative stuff, I don’t feel like I can do good anywhere else.  I want a family and a relationship, but I’m not a good father figure to my step-kids.  I try to be and want to be but I can’t figure out how to balance my time on the computer to my time with them.  I want a great relationship with my current wife but I can’t seem to figure out how to balance my computer time to time with her either, and besides that I just feel stepped on a lot.

I just pray God answers some prayers soon.  I just don’t know what else to do.  Some people have a stronger strength in God.  I definitely admire those people.